The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
