My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
