the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
