I just threw up on my dentist
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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