Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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