Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
