nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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