I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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