I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize