I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
