Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
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