yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
