Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
