He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
