Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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