update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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