I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
