You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
