yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
