the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
