Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
