So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
