Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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