I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
