Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
