When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
so much tequila, so little girl.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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