i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
