My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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