Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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