If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
