I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize