I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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