Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
