She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
