Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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