There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
