you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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