I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
