is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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