I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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