I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
