sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
