Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
