i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
