I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
