He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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