She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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