So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
