the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
