I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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