i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
