and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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