I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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