Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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