and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize