my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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